A Time for Sowing, A Time for Saying No...

Tell my heart to hold on for Spring. There are new buds scratching their way through sutures. Like cutting new teeth…

Thirty-six.

The latter part of my twenties was marked with an overwhelming sense of loneliness, self-doubt, and questioning. I was questioning everything and it felt like all the answers I would arrive at left me coming up short. I’d say that for the vast majority of my life, I existed as a people-pleaser, problem-fixer, an all round emotional contortionist who’d convinced herself that if she bent just that bit further to the whims of those whose attention she’d set her sights on, she would someway, somehow, be loved. Needed. Wanted.

In 2021 at the age of thirty-three, I would have what I’ve come to affectionately call my ‘Re-Coming Out’. Why ‘Re-Coming Out’? I’d been contemplating whether or not I was queer since I understood what it meant to feel a sexual attraction. I can recall moments where I’d be silently fraught with panic at the idea of having to source the words to explain my feelings to my devoutly Catholic Caribbean mother. Or wondering if these feelings meant I’d never have ‘real sex’. By my mid-teens, I was violently enamoured with icons such as Michelle Rodriguez, Tegan and Sara and Katherine Moennig. I’d had crushes on female friends - or a particular female friend - but at twenty while at university, I fell heart-spinningly in love with the girl whose mere presence rendered me sick with nerves. This was not simply a crush. It was unlike the juvenile girlhood fantasies that led me to scrawl a boy’s name across my lever arch folder in sixth-form. This was new. This was that odd sense of soothing satisfaction you would get when you pushed your tongue against a wobbly tooth as a child. Or jammed your thumb against a bruise to see if it still ached. It did. But in the best way. In retrospect, I think this falling was my first expedition into trying to resolve absent parental affection in uneven romantic pursuits.

So, as I’ve said 2021 brought about my re-coming out. I’m in a job that is progressively dampening my spirits more and more each each day and it takes a village I don’t have to muster the strength to get myself up each morning; no longer spurred by small pleasures like putting together a good outfit. I meet Maeve*1 somewhere near the beginning of the new academic year and almost instantly I’m met with that familiar wave of sickly nerves that I’d last swam in at twenty. I’m Christened, made new again. Her mum, who I’d known for some years prior to this point, introduces us and I fumble my way through some awkward, Tegan and Sara-distantly-playing- somewhere-in-the-recess-of-a-day-dream — type of hello, and swiftly make my exit. Over the subsequent months, we nod and smile hello here and there and make small talk over things that have now become moth eaten memories on the timeline of how we unfolded. But they form part of the patchwork quilt. Because in around April 2021, we’re familiar enough where we mix with the same work crowd and so we find ourselves at the same end of term celebration, laying out on sun-drenched grass, the lyrics of some song only faintly punctuating laughter and talking. And then she’s sat next to me. After hints dropped like led-weights through discussions of ‘types’, she has moved her position in the circle; her knee now brushes mine and small talk caves and gives way to heavy flirting with a familiarity that is living and breathing “I want to put my mouth on you.” And after a ridiculous moment where we skip across the wide green towards portaloos, hand-in-hand like childhood best friends, we do. Kiss. Frantically and messily and it is so, very good. My bladder is screaming ‘I need to fucking piss’, and somewhere also in that region: a deep, urgent pulsing. I want her.

What unravels over the course of the next five-to-six weeks of Maeve and I being… something, is the most bitter-sweet experience; the embodiment of what it is to love vulnerably.

It inevitably came to an end.

After several on-again, off-again moments, dates that only the walls of my flat would bare witness to, late night sex that greeted dawn and then became morning sex followed by order-in breakfast, our something finally became nothing. Then, that hideous feeling of someone who was once a stranger, who then became a lover, only to become a stranger once more; worse still, a stranger whom you now dislike because you know what it was to love them. To want them so close to you that were it not for the contrast of your skin, you’d swear you were one. This feeling becomes a living thing and invades every waking moment of your day; it takes your memories and makes them its own and it weighs you down at night. Pries your eyelids open and starves you of sleep.

It took my time with Maeve, a friendship break-up which happened almost simultaneously and two other girls who I’d met P-M (Post Maeve), for me to finally start questioning what closure looked and felt like. What was it that I was searching for in these romantic endeavours; How did I need to be loved; How do I make recovery as streamlined as possible in the wake of romantic grief. This is the learning I began to undertake in a bid to better survive the gauntlet of childhood trauma meets TikTok therapy speak that is modern dating. I would love to be able to say that I’ve now got it all figured out. That I’ve taken note of and painstakingly plotted all the data points and red flags accumulated over the last three years, but the fact remains: I am thirty-six and still in the thick of it. I am still grieving romantic losses I could have sworn were end-game. I’m still asking myself how I need to be loved. I still find myself talking myself down from ledges when a familiar voice settles in and convinces me that it - love - will forever evade me. A song to the tune of: “If I’m once again not the one, am I the problem?” There is good news, though: the process of dusting oneself off after heartbreak has in fact become admittedly less of a laboured mourning. Proactive rage has replaced shame.

Lessons do get learned. My Caribbean grandmother’s favourite saying: “Those who don’t hear must feel” takes up residency in my soul, even now in adulthood. And feel, I have. In fact, I’d say just in terms of my day-to-day existence, I feel everything acutely. My nerves always feel too raw. Sounds of my internal monologue too loud. The remedy, I’ve observed, is learning to self-soothe. From the tenuous relationship I have with my mother, to the demise of romantic and platonic connections, this phase of adulthood growing pains has been underpinned by the knowledge that, all you can do is ask for what you need. Teach others how you need to be loved. The tricky part is making peace with the knowledge that they’re not necessarily obligated to “meet you where you are at.” And that’s the difficulty with TikTok therapy: it’s a free-for-all and you’re not the only one tuned in. All of a sudden, male / female / non-binary / cishet / gay / straight / bi — everyone is acutely aware of their trauma and baggage and there’s suddenly very little space for people to acknowledge your hurt alongside their own. What I mean by this is, I once had (a now ex) friend tell me that, my confronting her about how her failing to show up for me made me feel, was “crossing a boundary” for her. And that she “didn’t expect her friends to speak to her in that manner.” Needless to say, I took that as my cue to exit. When we lose sight of nuance in our endeavours to boundary-set, it just becomes poor communication. Difficult conversations can be undertaken with kindness. The relationships that have come to mean the most to me are the ones where there is no filtering and forsaking of your personality, but there is still a deep sense of love and empathy. Even when needing to do personal reflection.

And so, closure must first begin internally. In the process of healing, I would often ask myself — “how will I know when I’m healed.” The truth is, there is no one right answer. There is not a strict set of logical rules one can follow to arrive at ‘fixed’. While it is not a smooth trajectory, one thing I have noticed now that I am well into my thirties, is that being alone feels increasingly less like loneliness and more like solitude. I relish time spent by myself. In difficult times, I’ve learned to look internally and question why I feel a certain way, rather than outsourcing my pain for friends to fix. That is not to say I sit stoically with my feelings, rather that when I do need to take a problem to a friend, I am now at a place where I know myself better. I have done the self-inventory so rather than searching for confirmation bias, I bring a list of: “these are the things I did”, “this is how the situation played out”, and “this is how I think it could have gone differently.” Establishing boundaries, telling people how I need them to show up for me based on a clear understanding of what I offer to those I care for, and being okay with walking away if those needs go ignored: this has become the foundation upon which I have built a new home in myself.

For me, love begins and ends with music. Specifically a heady combination of a melancholic melodic yearning paired with lyrics that you feel so deeply, you sleep and wake to them patterning themselves across your mind. They colour your memories. Spring of 2021 was soundtracked by Kehlani’s Nights Like This and The Author by Luz. Tegan and Sara’s 2007 album The Con breathes in so many memories of my first love at twenty. Listening to Dark Come Soon as I write this final section, Tegan’s lyrics send me right back to my bedroom in the house I’d moved into in my final year of university. It’s important to note that the girl I’d fallen in love with was moving into the same house, and somewhere near the end of summer, before Autumn would bring the start of the new term, I’d confessed my feelings via a poem I’d posted online. I still remember her telling me how much she liked it, and then asking me who it was written about. As the slow guitar punctuates “saved, from one more day of misery”, I can still see the room; more vividly, I can still see the kitchen floor that we’d sit on whilst talking deep into the night. I remember being too nervous to sit on her bed next to her, because it physically ached to be so close to her and not kiss her. And so, I learned to put up walls. I remember her telling me in a message some years later, after a period of silence between us, that she’d stood in that same kitchen and watched me leave from the window, that she couldn’t believe I hadn’t said goodbye. I remember her kissing me, finally, on the night of my graduation and then running away, leaving me on the dance floor. I can’t remember the song that was playing.

So here I am, thirty-six with a few scratches but the memories of love lost still play as sweetly. The truth is, I don’t regret a single confession of love. Earlier this year, I fell for a Parisian girl I’d met in a club; after months of messages exchanged in a chaotically sweet blend of French and English, a dear friend asked me, “have you written about her yet?” I’d told her ‘not yet’, that I hadn’t quite managed to find the combination of words to articulate the special concoction of dread and bliss that I had been living through. Some weeks later, like a river breaching its banks, the words came, and with it the end of my Parisian Girl chapter. When I first performed the poem that pain birthed, I crumpled like paper. But there have been subsequent readings of it and, with time, I found a little piece of power every time I drew breath to state my opening line: “I don’t want to be anxiously, attached.”

I am thirty-six and I don’t regret a single confession of love. Instead, I am learning when to sow, and when to say no. I’m trusting that there are islands beneath the waves.

by Tara Alexx Jay

intimacy in verse

isn’t it funny that when we try to say ‘i am hungry’ in other languages, it, instead, directly translates to ‘i have hunger.’ (ex: spanish —> tengo hambre; or dutch —> ik heb honger) it makes more sense to me when we can turn that into a hunger for an emotion or feeling. or shit, even a person or people.

i have hunger for you.

language is funny. some of my friends declare proudly that they are “words of affirmation bitch[es]” but in my three decades of life, i’ve learned to see where and when actions and behaviour behind them bear weight.
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i’ve done a lot of stupid shit.

that includes falling in love with people through their words alone, nary a trace of their actual identity behind the computer screen. i don’t regret it, but only so much nuance can be discerned through the written word. there is no quiver in a voice that might hint at fear, no warm gaze burning through your soul, no blush creeping upon cheeks.

strange to recall when a younger, more innocent me held a sense of such sheer romanticism, but i know better now. the greatest thing out of those failures was an introduction to erotic intimacy, and in turn, the love and appreciation i have for the flesh vessel i occupy.


with each individual, i understand the gravity of sharing that type of love. each one helped me learn that first times are clumsy and awkward. the messiness of limbs tangled up in each other, sometimes trying to fit pieces where they traditionally don’t belong and discovering that— a-ha! maybe this is where it fits. we would Goldilocks our way through any technical or logistical issues, but tore ourselves apart over the emotional intimacy required to move forward.

often, i ended up walking a separate path and away from them.
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speaking so frankly about intimacy makes me wish it was fair to share my whole, messy history. this isn’t a diary. people haven’t consented. i’ve learned over time that it’s just better to leave it a mystery, it’s no one else’s business to know the details of demise.

half of the time, i don’t remember them.

elie wiesel once wrote that “the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.” at this point in my life, i am too old and rich in abundant, loving relations for rallying and hating someone. they no longer register on my radar in their current form— because now, we are total strangers. consequently, the love i held for these people is still a truth— but it’s shifted shapes and settled into love for the relationship we shared.

part of my adult understanding of relationships stems from my spiritual practice. instead of deities, i worship the individual connections i make— at least the ones that i deem important. some of those include chthonic entities and beings, but also the astral and otherworldly reside here too, in my heart. i also think of Buddhist teachings: that our lives are constantly shifting, we are not static beings by any means. who i am today is not who i will be tomorrow.
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this sense of impermanence colours my life.
but so do the scars.

whenever i talk to my therapist about baggage, she mentions that “we do not leave childhood unscathed.” upon letting these words sink in, i note the way my breath rises and falls through each interaction with someone new— i feel my heart beat out of my chest and time stops as i try to discern if it’s trauma-addled brain, or if it’s the pheromones and adrenaline coursing through my veins.

developing intimacy with others at this stage of my life turns me into a walking contradiction: i crave authentic connection, the kind where you can get lost in conversation for hours without much pause. however, when it blossoms naturally, i find myself running away, fearful of the unrequited and unknown.

people often lament about being “too much” and how that’s a fear of many. what is the too-much-ness if not restrained in a container? how can that notion expand itself past boundaries?

i have been told i am too much,

yet also never enough.
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much of my work with intimacy revolves around building better, more sustainable and equitable relationships with those around me. my ethos surrounding my spiritual practice is to have a good death, we must live our lives well and in good relation with others and the world around us. while i don’t believe we can interact and develop intimacy with each person who crosses our paths, i am hopeful that the ones i choose to grow with are appreciative of the time and care i place into them.

remember when i said that language was funny? that when we say we are hungry in any other language (besides English,) it’s possessive and it has a hold over us, figuratively. i have hunger.

i understand caring for relationships in the same manner. hunger fuels the motivation behind such fiercely inquisitive relational development. a partner of mine thanked me for the fierceness and passion behind my interpersonal interactions and while it triggered me, it helped me understand that hunger is a basic human instinct. if i pine over someone, the emotional highs and lows are going to feel more fraught. my desperation for connection is more palpable and can be felt through the reverberations of my actions.

instead of seeing it as a bad thing, as a maladaptive response, it is a reframing of “you are starving for basic human connection.” i crave intimacy in all its forms. it is a human right and necessity. i will no longer bend to the whims of others and their criticisms if they do not understand what it is like to live with this deficiency, this primal need for connection. we deserve healthy, safe relationships of all kinds.

let me have hunger for you.

by Christa Lei

ROUKIA ALI’S “SING, SO I MAY LOVE YOU”

Your parents’ vow renewal ceremony was meant to be the end of anticipation—you’d been hurried by your crooning relatives regaling you with stories about the rarity of your father’s singing. You’d been teased before—the same empty treasure chest memory of his minute humming driving you to school, jaunting and rippling like stones skipping across a lake, drowning unexpectedly in radio static.

You know he’s not shy, so you figure that maybe you need to abandon the caricature of your father you drew up in your mind that proved that—the belligerent, headstrong bull who picked fights with you for being his curt and sarcastic lookalike. A man with a razor-bladed tongue of biting remarks befitting the harsh lines of his serious features. But you can’t imagine anything different with every time he chooses to hide from you: any musical notes he conjures must be razed to their brittlest bits, devoured in growls.

You’re sixteen, reading a book at the kitchen table while he washes the rice for dinner. The trickling water shivers through the room, the rice rasping at the bottom of the cooking pot—then, a confession, a baritone buzz. Surprise seizes you at the clear and quiet singing of a song that you know, whispered to you as a toddler. His voice trickles sweet like wine, ageing backwards like a record replayed for the best part—the “have a good day” chimes as you sling open the car door. His arms jokingly jerking you through a dance after the ceremony, staving off your disappointment and giggling, half-hearted resistance by continually insisting that he only dances, never sings.

He glances over, catching you cataloguing him through a thin film of tears. Before he peters into silence, before you lose him, you hum back. There will be no hiding anymore.

by Roukia Ali

ROUKIA ALI’S “SPELLING ME”

*Reader*

During the interview that landed me my dream job as a magazine staff writer with the university’s on-campus publication, I was asked if there was a specific moment or writer that made me want to be an author. My reply was that reading books that made me feel seen as a child made me want to grow up contributing to that canon. In a literary world that consistently reminded me I was a minority, reading books like "Dork Diaries", written by a Black woman, or "Thea Sisters" and identifying with Pamela amidst that diverse cast of characters gave me hope in reclaiming pride in my identity. I have always believed that reading informs writing because it’s a practice in empathy—connecting with so many different perspectives and reaching people of all backgrounds with my own work is something that wouldn’t have been possible if I grew up without reading books that proved I could be seen and that I could succeed.

*Overthinker*

Six years after it happened, I told my father I was going to write about his heart attack for my first-year introductory creative writing course, and he told me to do that, I needed to be ready to die. At eleven years old, death came close and pressed upon me like a warm hand, urging me to believe in it as I spent afternoons wiping tears away to focus on my father’s breathing yet unfamiliar shape sleeping in the hospital bed. Though he recovered courageously, I always felt I hadn’t matured past that age—I contemplate in the dark sometimes about any time in my life where I felt ready to go, and I come up empty—it’s the joke you breathe into the air, “I could die happy!”; it dissolves as if it never was. 

I still wrote the story, but it made me realise that I wouldn’t be able to die until I had cherished everyone I possibly could, to the point where death could do nothing to erase them from my mind.

*Ugly*

I was the only black girl in my grade at my elementary school until the sixth grade. I didn’t remember thinking less of myself for it until I was conditioned to. It became a process of implicit secrecy—waiting during the birthday sleepovers at my white friends’ houses until the parents went upstairs and darkness sagged into the cool basement air to slip the bonnet over my head. Eating my lunch in the back of the class like that would disguise the smell. In sixth grade, my best friend came—natural hair out, Afrobeats on blast. 

We’re late on the way to a friend’s house for an afternoon hangout, belting along to Aya Nakamura on the aux, and we reclaim the stereotypes in between the lyrics—Black people are fashionably, laughably late—yet we’re teenagers like anyone else. Shame whirls out the open windows.

*Kia*

The burden of being named after the grandmother I never met is still something I contend with, so in grappling with her legacies, I halved them and manifested my own. There is an intimacy in introducing her first, and then this version of myself I’m growing into, which I hope honours her. When I revisited Alberta during the first winter break since moving to Toronto for university, “Kia” carved out a space for me in the town I thought I outgrew.

“Kia!” My friends scream as I tackle them in the rec center, brushing my face across countless necks and cheeks, my laugh high and squealing like my sneakers against the linoleum floors. Kia, you’re home.

*Introvert*

Years spent huddled in libraries, writing in solitude, and sitting with watching eyes at family gatherings have left me “quiet”, as people say, whereas I prefer “observant”. I took this same reputation to school, so it came as a surprise to everyone when I was elected to read self-written poetry at my high school graduation, in front of thousands. There’s a confidence in sharing my work, knowing that it’s the realest part of me, that bleeds into my social capabilities after readings—I’m not battling anxiety talking to people because I’ve already presented everything they need to know about me through my words. They’re the best conversations because there’s no small talk—I don’t have to sit and watch and linger in silence because something I said impacted someone enough that they want me actively participating in the conversation. It’s the only recognition I crave more than any award.

*Ambitious*

My mother says I can never be happy because I am an obsessive comparer—I have jealous eyes paired with a congratulatory voice that tries to be happy for other people without gouging my own eyes out. I don’t dislike being called ambitious—I bite back that it only means sooner or later, I’ll get what I want. But what do I want? is often the question when the high of victory subsides like a slow, rolling wave collapsing at the shoreline.

At my first creative nonfiction showcase, after reading my personal essay, I was asking my friend from the other section of the same course who did not read for the showcase what would have convinced her to. I was expecting a typical answer like “if I wrote something I was particularly proud of” or “if I had practised a specific piece more.”

“If what I wrote was something I thought could inspire someone else,” she said, and then smiled at me. “I really liked your piece for that reason.”

Ah, I realised, hugging my piece to my chest—the one I read in the hopes of getting more confident at reading—she had helped me, receiving it so well. There it is.

by Roukia Ali

I think I’m losing my mind… oh wait nvm

How the fuck do people do this shit? When do you have time to unwind? I would say sorry for my language but swearing is the only way I feel these days, haven't got anymore energy for anything else.

Do you ever look at yourself, like truly look deep into your own eyes in a mirror and realise that you probably aren't worthy of what you have? You aren’t smart or lovable, the only reason you've made it this far is bobbing along on the pity of others.

You aren't good at your job, look you can barely spell, your grammar is shit and who would listen to you anyways. You call yourself a creative and this is what you do? You were too weak and not talented enough to be an actual writer, so you've taken to working for the man. Anytime you call yourself a creative, an angel dies and a starving artist gives up because they are in the same category as you.

Your parents don't like you. Look at how different you are from the rest of your family they probably don't even want you near, they wouldn't miss you if you left. Just picked up one day and was in the wind by dawn, if you sacrificed yourself to martyrdom right now no one would miss you. They would just be relieved you aren’t taking up space anymore. Even your friends wouldn't mourn, your death would affect no one and you will be forever forgotten leaving nothing in your wake, no legacy, no good memories, just one less space in the cemetery.

Oh, I’m just bleeding again.

by Giesle Thompson

Legacy

A photograph of Bharti’s grandparents: portrait photo of them both in front of a blue background.

I have always heard stories of my grandfather and his enormous generosity. But even more than that I have heard stories of my grandmother's grit.

Nanu had always been a man of his words. My mother is still fresh with the memories of her father, which she reminisces on some random day and cries. She tells me, “Pita used to bring us sweets every single day. There wasn’t a time when he would simply forget to do so.”

How many people are there to actually bring home the only reminders of sweetness even after a long day at work? Nani and Nanu were married young. Their love developed over the years of silent but beautiful gestures, shyness, a little teasing and a lot of joy for being in each other’s lives. Nani often smiles and says, “Your Nanu would keep me by his side.” For us, this is just a simple sentence but for her, the entire memories of lifetime come flooding back in a moment of nostalgia. He was a proud man of seven daughters. Nanu used to live in Bilaspur, Himachal while Nani lived in Namhol, a few kilometers away from there, with the family. My mother, her sister would eventually move to this really small city, still different from a village, after they completed their school and had to pursue graduation. Years went by smoothly, with their own share of ups and downs.

Nani laughs and says, “We had a festival on the occasion of first harvest of the year. Father-in-law would live on the fields and do puja, distributing sweets in the entire village. It was a tradition then.”

But now she casually remarks, “अब कहाँ रहा वो टाइम”

I think as much as time has evolved, Nani has too. Nanu was a man of few words. Maa tells me how his eyes spoke sentences without ever uttering a word. He was a well-respected man who wouldn’t accept anything less for his daughters. So when the time came, for my mother to get married, a lot of visitors would suggest unsolicited suitors for her. It was becoming a hassle. Once, when one of those men talked to Nanu about a possible suitor for my mother, he calmly invited him in. Made food for him. Made him sit on the sofa in one corner of the little room and in a gentle but firm voice ordered, “Eat!”

As the man munched down on food hurriedly he, in a simple, silent sentence emphasized, “Don’t bring any more rishtas for my daughter I haven’t asked for.” The man never brought another one ever. Such was the charm of my Nanu. He was born with an incurable heart condition. As he aged, he suffered a severe paralysis attack, leaving him bed ridden. But nothing was to deter him from living. So, he learnt to write from his left hand. He was the only ambidextrous person in our family. But the heart condition worsened and eventually led to his death. My uncle was a little kid then. He didn’t know what death meant but the realization that Pita was not there to take him to market. How does a young kid even make sense of something which isn’t in his grasp?

As the world fell down on my Nani's shoulders, she knew she was the young bride again, who didn’t know how to wander through the world. In India, women losing their husbands are frowned upon. The lingering questions of how she would manage to handle her family when the sole breadwinner of the family passed away, becomes a sentence that never leaves people’s mouths. The so many what if's, stares, leering follows. Nani had to suffer from it too.

But what strikes me as amazing is how people who die visit their beloveds in dreams. I think this is the only way we can convince ourselves that we can still carry them in our lives. Nanu had some pending payments to make before his death, which Nani didn’t know of. Now, in a small village like this, words travel faster than sound itself. Before this, Nani didn’t know of the accounts and how to handle them. But Nanu visited in her dreams, a few days after his death, talking her through the pending payments.

I didn’t believe in the “soul stuff" before. But then Nani still says, “तेरे नाना सही थे। कुछ 20 रुपये थे देने को।”

I don’t know how to make sense of this. I don’t even know how science can make sense of this. But if science believes in energies, it also believes in how energies transform instead of being destroyed. Nanu wasn’t a tangible body then. But he was still there, traversing through space, breathing but now he was the air himself. Nani knew it. She always knew.

Nani has been a strong lady ever since her husband’s death. She learnt things which were so easy for city people but for someone who spent her entire life in a village, it was nothing less than a challenge. She learnt how to take an auto, how to deposit money in a bank, how to bring राशन from a local depot. And as life entailed with its own risks, another one jumped up. Since Nanu had died, the government accommodation the entire family lived in had to be taken away. This was new. Something Nani had never thought of. People guided and misguided her. Mocked her, convinced her to leave the apartment. A woman becomes a consequence of people’s judgments, and the trials that the society puts her through for being a single mother. Some would ask her to bring some documents of Nanu from Mandi office (Himachal) while some would tell her to ask for accommodation directly from DC at that time. Nani did everything but just like most government matters, it was delayed. To my utter amazement, Nani proudly tells me, “मैं सीधा DC के पास गयी और बोला,”सर, मेरे आठ बच्चेंहैं। मेरे आदमी की डेथ हो गई है। अब मुझे बोला जा रहा कमरा खाली करने को।”

This was a woman who had never stepped out without her husband and now she was demanding, on a stage full of officials, what rightly belonged to her. And, of course, action happened. She was granted the accommodation for as long as she wanted.

Nanu's death had a ripple effect. Nani had to ask for electricity because someone always cut off the connection to her village house. She fiercely asked for it, went to the electricity department and fought for a connection, which was then granted to her. She was all alone, traversing through department after department, because she wasn’t just a wife but a mother of eight, each of who depended upon her.

My grandmother has a story of her own. This woman who would defy her father in early childhood by swinging from branches of the Peepal tree, was now standing up on her own feet, learning to walk all over again. Womanhood and tiredness always go together. She was tired. She was aware of it. But when a woman becomes more than a societal expectation of what a woman should be, it deranges society. Nothing hurts man’s ego more than a woman who becomes a mirror to him.

The day my Uncle got married, there was a subtle silence in the home. The kind that lingered, despite the heavy celebration. He was the last of her children to get married. The sisters were prepping up for their brother’s wedding. Nani was busy with arrangements. Mamu was getting ready and as सेहरा बंदी happened and baraat was ready to go, Mamu couldn’t hold his tears and neither could Nani. All the sisters knew about uncle’s eyes that flooded with tears. But he hadn't cried since Nanu’s death. Nanu had become a heartbeat and he resided in his heart forever. Mamu never cried after that. Until the marriage.

My grandfather wasn’t an ordinary man. He stood up for his daughters and their right to education. He included his elder daughters in his decisions. He sent his younger daughter to learn painting because had she always wanted to learn. He was an honest man, who did what he did, not because this is expected of a good man but because it was his strong character and empathy that might have ran through his grandchildren as well. I can only vouch for myself.

Now, as Nani sits in the verandah of this beautiful little home that she has created all by herself, she takes pride in all the plants she has in her kitchen garden. She loves gardening. After all these years, at such an old age, now she can take time to indulge in hobbies she never had the time for. Her kitchen garden houses sugarcane, guava, chillies, tomatoes, potatoes, spinach, lemon, flowers.

There are so many stories that deserve brilliantly curated words for my grandparents. If only I could be that writer. But Nanu still visits her in dreams. I think this is the simplest sentence I can write to tell the world that they both loved each other, not madly but dearly, with gentleness and kindness.

My Nani is an ordinary woman. She might not have changed the world in ways that people boast about, but she indeed changed ours. When she stood up for her daughters, she was standing up for us as well. When she took the accommodation that rightly belonged to her, she made sure we would never be homeless. When she learnt to speak up in front of that DC, she made courage a heritage.

She is an ordinary woman. But she lived in ways so extraordinary that she lived up to her name. Kalawati. She is an art. She is going to remain an artist for the rest of my little life.

The woman of my life, Nani, single handedly decided to conquer the world, from sitting at the side of chullah to making a house, negotiating with architects, workers. From holding the knives in her kitchen to becoming a voice for the women of her village who would have otherwise never dared to speak a word. The world here began at Nani’s kitchen and spread like wildfire, this desire to protect her kids and what rightfully belonged to her. Women change worlds by changing other women, motivating them, creating a path for them through their own struggles. Women help raise other women from the ashes of their hardwork in kitchens to building homes they design for themselves.

Nani makes aachar, a legacy she has passed on. She laughs remembering her own youth, her friends she lost over the years, her siblings too (I have an absolute favourite among them. He has a story that needs another book to be written upon).

She has never stopped loving. But for now, these new plants give her happiness. She deserves it. She deserves all the gardens of the world only if it means she will be happier forever.

by Bharti